Tuesday, July 20, 2010

D-Day Tomorrow?

As you know by now, my neuro symptoms have become a huge problem during these past few weeks. The electrical surges are quite painful, the twitching is embarrassing and restricting to say the least, and the lack of sleep it all causes is not helping. I am tired of being curled up and crying in pain. Physically and mentally, I can't take it much longer.

Surprisingly, I got the letter I needed from my LLMD stating that I would have an antibiotic change as soon as I deliver the baby. This means I can have induction approved.

It's been one week since my OBGYN decided it would be best for all parties to induce labor (at 36.5 weeks), and I went for a checkup yesterday so she could confirm that this was still the best approach to take.

It's amazing how slowly some things move in the medical field. Lyme treatment approval, for example. That crap can take months and doesn't come without a fight and filling out tons of paperwork. On the other hand, you want make a baby come out? They'll have your world turned upside down in a matter of hours. "OK, can you get to the hospital for your preliminary testing in an hour?"

Ummmm, no, I can't.

So here's the deal: tomorrow morning at 7:15 I arrive at Labor and Delivery to have a non stress test which will be followed by an amniocentesis to determine if Wyatt's lungs are fully developed. It's standard that they do the amnio, even if they believe all is well, because they can't authorize an early induction (before 39 weeks) without one. They're covering their butts, but most importantly, they're covering all bases to make sure they're not rushing things.

I've read about a million posts out there from moms who scorn anyone that decides to approve the induction procedure, as childbirth is natural and you shouldn't rush nature/God/your baby, what have you. It's selfish and the baby will come out on his own schedule. These are also the women who vehemently demand that all women breast feed, and if you don't you are obviously a bad parent content with pumping your kid full of Satan's nectar. My answer to them is piss off.

You have to do what is right for you and your child, and quite frankly, I don't think any of these women have experienced severe neurological pain.
I obviously don't have experience with the whole childbirth thing, as I am a first time mom, but I already know how tricky pregnancy is when dealing with Lyme, and I don't imagine labor will be any different.

In fact, I just had to leave this blog post to take a call from my OBGYN (this is the third call so far today in getting everything ready.) She said that they've met with all of the nurses and doctors to explain my situation (I'm a sick, convulsing mess) and all agreed that a vaginal delivery would be best, BUT the anesthesiologist won't give me an epidural or a block due to my nerve damage. There is a chance that if I get the epidural, there will be more permanent damage to my nerves, and I may actually lose some feeling forever (no thanks).

If for some reason I need a C-section, they will have to put me under. I've had this news for about two minutes, so I don't know how I feel about it yet. My first reaction is that I am sad and afraid. I can't imagine not being able to hold my baby right away, and it takes about an hour to wake up after it's all over. Fingers crossed for no section. I guess in the end this is good info to keep in mind if you have nerve damage?

So, amnio in the morning. Test results come back within a few hours, and if he's good to go, I check in at the hospital tomorrow night to start the induction process.

As I type this, I am really having second thoughts about going through with this. I have huge amounts of anxiety now, and I wonder if it would just be better to suffer through the next month. I still wouldn't be able to get the epi, but my chances of a c- section drop a bit, and I wouldn't have to deal with pitocin contractions (which I hear are super hard and extra evil). But if I chicken out, it's still a month's worth of sleepless nights and painful days, so that all evens out, right? Ack!

After all of this new information, my main issue comes from the end of the phone conversation when my doctor said something along the lines of,

"I want to make sure we're prepared, so I've called two other high risk doctors in the area. They've all assured me that Lyme is not a problem for the baby, and anyone that tells you that your baby can get it has very outdated information. I even talked about it with Dr. ____, your pediatrician, and she agrees that Lyme won't be a problem for the baby."

Noooooo! You were on my team! Not that I want my kid to come out a Lyme baby, but seriously?! You now want to deny Lyme exists in infants and tell me my pediatrician will deny it as well, less than twenty-four hours before I go to the hospital to deliver? She was trying to reassure me, I know, but now all I can think of is how every single one of these doctors is part of the "enemy" camp.

I need to stop this rambling now and clear my head. I'll post an update when I come to the most rational conclusion.

Any experiences/suggestions are welcome. What would you do?


  1. OH, SARA! this is my first read. i found you because i was researching information regarding lyme and labor, any new info i could find, to explain sections of my disability case. i am so very happy i found this blog! (please excuse lack of caps - easier on the hands...i am currently in 4th month of treatment.

    i went through ALOT of what you have been experiencing and i am SO sorry you have this on your plate. it does completely suck! i believe in you! i know you can do this whatever you choose to do.

    if you need a soundboard or someone to just listen. please do not hesitate to ask. i will share anything you might need to get you through this. BTW, you are RIGHT - it is possible for the babies to get the Lyme, BUT they do come out without it! my little girl is lyme free due to her father's genes! miracles do happen...you are an example.

    sending you so much love and light,
    Diagnosed Nov 2009, sick since 1989

  2. Oh man Sara, I have no idea what I would do. This seems like such an impossible choice. I tend to be into all-natural stuff, but you are in such pain that it seems as though that may trump any benefits of waiting. That is such stress-- for you AND the baby. I don't know much about all the benefits of waiting, but I just can't imagine needing to be in that much pain (and serious potential for your harm from the lyme) and also be pregnant. If it could help you to induce, it seems like that is a really good choice.

    As I hope you know, I really have no experience with this, so I really have nothing to add that can help. But, reading this post it's clear how many feelings you are having, and I just want you to know I understand and would feel the same way if I were in your situation.

    One thing I do want to say is that in my opinion, the level of suffering you are experiencing is hugely important in this. You already know that, but sometimes it helps to hear it too. I don't know what "MIGHT" be or whatever if you waited, but I imagine that if this level of pain and neurological symptoms continues, you may deplete yourself even more to be able to handle the labor and eventual care of little Wyatt. I realize there are other considerations that you are considering as "second thoughts". Obviously there are benefits to having the baby in utero longer and less chance of c section and all you mentioned. Maybe those are important too. But, your pain and neuro makes a big difference, in my opinion. This isn't just "I'm so pregnant and uncomfortable and I'd like to not be pregnant anymore". This is more than that, and as you said, others can't imagine what you are going through right now.

    I don't know what I would choose in your situation, but I do know that even with my background of being kind of all-natural in most things, I can totally see myself seriously considering inducing -- for me AND the baby. My husband is an acupuncturist, and I know acupuncture can help with labor induction, so I can see that I might try that to get things going first, but I don't know all the implications of that with the lyme, what it means regarding the hospital, what it would mean this early on, etc. So, really that's just a detail.

    So, I can't even begin to tell you what to do here, but I think somewhere deep inside you already know what your right answer is. Or maybe through a conversation with your husband you will both know what the right answer is. Sometimes when I face a hard decision, hearing other people ramble about what they would do or wouldn't do helps me see more clearly how I agree or disagree -- which ultimately shows me the right choice. So, I hope my rambling can maybe help you see what's right for you here.

    Regardless of what you choose, I'm thinking of you and sending all the very best wishes for every level of this process. You are very brave and strong Sara, and you have a beautiful little boy supporting you in whatever decision is best.

    I don't know what it could be, but if there's anything I can do to help, please let me know. You have my email.

  3. Thanks, Holley! I'm sorry you're going through this too! I'm also sorry that you had to read this entry first...I'm a little frazzled today... I definitely plan on sharing any info I have on labor and procedures. If you have other questions or just want to talk, feel free to email me. I really appreciate the support, and I hope this blog helps you. Love and light back at ya! :)

  4. Thanks, A! Everything you've mentioned has crossed my mind. I'm all about the natural route under normal conditions, and I've had a lot of guilt these past few months over even thinking about hurrying things up, but like you mentioned, the longer this continues, the greater the chances that I won't be healthy enough to be a good mom (god forbid I decline more and I'm paralyzed again or can't walk).

    There are a lot of pros and cons to both waiting and inducing. Sometimes I think this is all really complicated, and other times I think I'm making too much of it--that baby is going to come out one way or another, and I'm sure he will be just fine whether it's natural or by c section or induction (though I am avoiding the section like the plague.) :)

    I just want what's best for him, and you're right, I know based on my instincts what the right answer for is (for me--each person is on their own journey here.)

    I knew it would be a rough pregnancy, though for the most part I can't complain too much. It's been a learning experience to say the least. All was tolerable in the symptom/pain department until this past month, and I can even say already that it's all been worth it and I'd do it again because I'm so excited to be a mom.

    That said, I feel for all of the pregnant women that have to make hard choices because of this stupid disease. I'm so happy to have this support system though, and I'm really grateful for all of the kind words. You've been awesome. Email coming soon! :)

  5. Ah, ok that is weird. I guess my comment earlier got through after all. Um, twice the comment, twice the fun? ;)

    Everything you are saying makes complete sense Sara, and yes, it does sound like you already know what is right for you. That is a beautiful thing and just sit with that and breath into it, and know that what you are choosing is right. Try to relax as much as possible into it. You are doing great.

    Your boy knows how much you love him, and you are really weighing all the choices and options. Your situation is unlike anyone elses and only you know what is right.

    I'm sending you much love throughout all this!

  6. Hey Sara. I've been so busy with work I'm behind on my reading so it was a little overwhelming. No matter what you decide you do have a team of professionals that will be with you and guiding you and your little guy through to the end. I wish I could offer advice but I can't but I will be lifting up some extra prayers for you, Wyatt, and your husband. I pray that all will go well in the next day (or weeks if you so decide).

    One a side note, after you don't have ten million things on your mind : ) , I have had some amazing results with my lymes protocol that my doctor put me on 2 years ago and at my last appointment he finally said that we were healthy enough to try and start concieving (we're still waiting a few months). But after reading about your ups and downs lately I was wondering if you'd be interested in comparing notes about treatments. I'd love to talk more with you. You have been so inspirational to me. Thank you again for sharing your life.

    Good luck!!

  7. Lisa, thank you SO much for the encouragement! I definitely appreciate the prayers, and I have faith everything will work out fine in the end.

    Congratulations on getting the green light to start makin' babies! ;) That's wonderful news! Please don't let my downs discourage you. There are plenty of ups as well--I just focused on the Lyme for this blog and never really got into discussing all of the amazing things about carrying a new life. It's truly amazing, and not everyone experiences flare ups (or so they tell me...)

    I would LOVE to discuss your protocol and compare treatment notes! We can probably help each other out a lot, and I am very open to new suggestions. Things are about to get hectic here (at least until I figure out what's going on) so if you wouldn't mind, please email me (address is in my profile) and I will be in touch as soon as things settle down here.

    I'm so happy you're feeling better! That gives us all hope--healing can actually happen! :)

  8. Also... Hey Holley, if you happen to read this comment, would you mind sending me an email to the address in my profile? If you have some time, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions about your Lyme experience during pregnancy. Thanks! This is actually extended to any Lyme Mamas or future Lyme Mamas out there. The more info we can share, the more we can learn.

  9. Hey, Sara! I sent you a message with my email. My husband and I are holding you and Wyatt in our hearts. We look forward to learning more. Blessed be!