Hi, Metabolism, Remember Me?

Nothing overly helpful to report today, though I do feel like I should share this morning's experience because it's a very real, discouraging part of pregnancy for some women.

Who am I kidding? Sometimes I just need to vent.

I had a routine monthly check-up with my OBGYN, and I made the mistake of looking at the scale. When I blurted out "Holy sh**! That can't be right!" the nurse laughed hard and ever-so-kindly reminded me that I still have a long way to go.

Some women are bothered by big scale numbers, and some aren't. All power to you if you're embracing those beautiful pregnancy "curves" people rave about, and if that's the case, no need to read any further today.

This is for the ladies who are concerned with what happens when you're Lyme pregnant, metabolically challenged, craving 10 tons of ice cream, and not able to exercise. (If you had a baby and stayed in shape, which I'm sure happens, you make me ill with envy and I am tempted to sit on you.)

I gained a whopping 33 pounds at only 26 weeks, which resulted in a crying spell in the parking lot after my appointment. I also told my loving (and forgiving) 150 lb, 6'4" husband that he's a lame*, insensitive jerk* for being so thin, and that I can't stand looking at his skinny butt*. (*=censored.)

Though it infuriated me at the time, I'm glad he laughed as my hormones took over. I swear, I used to be a very rational, well balanced person...

As I mentioned a while back, I am one of those people who takes great pride in being fit. I've worked very hard over the years to maintain a toned, "healthy" body. Before Lyme wiped me out completely, I was a long distance runner, and partly due to a billion forms of food intolerance, I was neurotic about only eating the healthiest, organic foods. I strongly believe my commitment to a healthy lifestyle is what prevented my major Lyme "crash" for so long.

I have been 100% inactive since August of 2008, and I now consider a brief walk around the store to be hardcore vigorous exercise. By some miracle, I only gained 10-12 pounds after I stopped moving around. I miss my metabolism greatly, but hey, what can you do? Sadly, any form of exercise leaves me bedridden for days.

Pregnancy weight is there for a purpose, and the little one is obviously first priority. I completely get that and believe in it! My tears come from issues that will arise further down the road, as once I pop this baby out, there's no way I'm going to be able to just go out like a healthy person and "exercise the baby weight off." I'm carrying about 50 extra pounds, and that's a lot to shed (not to mention a literal pain to lug around). Without the hope of being active again soon, I feel like I'm destined to be a slug forever.

I know some people might think this is petty, but honestly, I'm human, and every once in a while I let the fact that my body has failed get the best of me. Do I like being completely sedentary? Heck no! Who wants to lie around and eat all day?! (Wait, don't answer that...)

Typical Lyme symptoms set aside, this has been, by far, the toughest part of pregnancy. It's more than just putting on extra pounds; it's an issue about control over my own body-- I can decide what foods I put into it, but as far as activity goes, Lyme is an evil dictator. I have no control.

It's strange trying to balance the new instinctual need to be a strong, capable mother and going day to day saying, "Man, I just can't swing it today...maybe tomorrow I'll be steady enough to get off the couch."

And this isn't about squeezing into a size four (I swear, I'm not that vain); It's more of a constant reminder of my limitations. Learning to say goodbye to the old Sara and accepting the new, chubbier, slow-moving one is an ongoing and difficult process.

I know I will reach the acceptance stage eventually. Often times, I actually get there. It's just that some days I backslide and want to fight and kick and curse Lyme to hell.

Ultimately, when I'm better, I'm putting my awesome baby in one of those ridiculous jogger strollers I covet, and I'm going to run like my life depends on it!